A personal post today, something quite therapeutic about getting stuff down I find! Today's post is about something that the boy and I have been bickering about recently...independence.
In my family my Nan was very much the head of the family, she would be that one that would get everyone rushing around her beckoning to her every need and she also knew how to reunite the family for holidays and meals out. My Nan was guilty of something we nicknamed 'The goldenballs theory' which is that, in her eyes, the males of the family could do no wrong. My brother, dad and cousins were put on a pedestal while us girls could be going well out of our way for her and it wouldn't be recognised. My Nan was sexist but it was just the era she was brought up in, I remember once at the Christmas dinner table her sitting next to my brother and telling him that he was her favourite and the time in her kitchen when she reminded me that whatever happens my brother will ALWAYS be more successful than me because he's a boy.
Really I thank her for this because it made me much more independent, more headstrong, always wanting to try harder. At 15 I met the boy. We weren’t even together properly when I explained to him that, if I were to go out with him, I would expect to be treated as an equal. He can't control me anymore than I can control him. I can dress how I like, talk how I like, and act how I like. I don’t want dinners or drinks brought for me and I don’t need to be looked after. Looking back now I’m surprised I didn't scare him off!
I stayed true to my word. As we met so young when we saw each other it was just hanging around at local parks and each other’s houses and we didn’t have our first date until we had been together 6 months (and I paid), if we went anywhere I would buy my own drinks and I retained my independence in the way I wanted.
Forward wind 6 years and this is still the case. The boy and I, despite now living together and obviously getting married, remain very financially independent. If we need to contribute towards something together we do it equally and we always listen to each other’s opinions. Household chores are divided evenly and we give each other the space to live our lives as 22 year olds should be, going out with friends and having fun.
However the fact we are getting married has thrown up one major debate. I don't want to change my name. I love my name, I relate to it very strongly as part of my identity, I’ve done my family tree and I don't see why I should have to give something up that I love so much for marriage. I mean after all, that’s not what marriage is about, right? Especially as it’s not even a sacrifice you are both making. I may consider going double barrelled but there is no doubt in my mind that I will never give up my maiden name. Another issue that’s arose is I really want a tattoo. I have for years and years and my brother has just had done, it’s really well designed and has healed great, which only makes me want one more. Again the boy has put his foot down; I’m not allowed a tattoo.
My problem comes in that I feel that the boy is picking and choosing when he's happy for me to be independent and when he's not. He's gone 6 years never buying me a drink in a bar, paying for a meal, even if we go out for my birthday I’ll pay, and he's fine with that because at the end of the day its saving him money but now I want to be independent in a way that he don’t like he’s throwing a paddy. I'm willing to compromise, I may go double barrelled and I’ve said I wouldn't get the tattoo until after the wedding so it won't be in the pictures however this hasn't been deemed good enough.
It’s a tough situation and one that makes me wonder, can you ever be married and truly independent?
